New Season From Hell
by 1983Sarah
Summary: Short very short Crack!fic of what I didn't want season four to start as. Dean in a dress? Sam with Bella and Ruby? Hellhound puppies? If you aren't afraid yet, you will be!


***crappy motel in the middle of nowhere, with Sam sobbing uncontrollably while lying on a bed***

Sam: Oh, Dean! I miss you sooooo much. I'm gonna save you from Hell if it's the last thing I do…even if I have to use evil, boy-king making demonic powers.

*knock, knock. Sam gets up from the bed and answers the door *

Sam: Who are you?

Kristy: The name's Kristy and I'm here to make sure you become the most feared puppy-dog-eyed half-demon king around!

Sam: You mean there's more then one?

Kristy: Silence! Now, we shall begin your training, Mister. It got interrupted before.

Sam: Ruby? I thought you were sent back to Hell?

Kristy: I go by my new body's name now, which is Kristy. It's a way for me to start over. Turn a new leaf, you know? Oh, and I brought help, to channel your powers.

*puts hand behind back and magically pulls out Bela*

Sam: You! What are you doing outta Hell?

Kristy/Ruby: I got her out of Hell. She needed saving.

Bela: Hello darling! Aren't you glad to see me and my lovely British ass? I have came back unburned. And I brought a souvenir!

*holds out hellhound puppy composed of masses of shrieking souls*

Bela: Isn't it cute?

Sam: Cute? CUTE! It's part of the spawn that helped kill Dean! And RUBY, I mean Kristy! You were in Hell, you saved Bela, but you didn't save Dean! How could you?

Kristy/Ruby: He was enjoying his time there…

************************************************** **********************

*Dean in Hell hanging from his wrists on meat hooks with demons lashing his fully clothed back and bare feet*

Dean: Oh, somebody. Anybody. Please save me! Sammy, Bobby, where are you? Help me!

*shimmery lights emerge from the greenish glow of Hell*

Figure: Bippty, Boppity, Boo! I'm your Fairy Godmother dear.

Dean: *confused look on face* Fairy….God…Mother? Ok, at this point I'll believe anything! Can you help me? Please! Get me outta here!!!!

Fairy Godmother: Where? Here? Hell? Oh, no, my union contract says that I can't have any dealings with demons. Paragraph C of subsection i of the "Manual on Mythical Benign Creatures and Beings" says that people who are here are to stay here.

Dean: So…what the hell are you doing here then? What can you do?

Fairy Godmother: I'm glad you asked! Bippty, Boppity, Boo!

*suddenly Dean is still hanging from meat hooks in his wrists, still being tortured by demons. Only now he is in a glittery ball gown. Complete with tiara and glass high heels*

Dean: What th…? What'd you do to me?

Fairy Godmother: Sorry. It's all I'm able to do…unless you wanna be a pumpkin?

Dean: No! Get outta here, bitch! You've caused enough damage for one day.

*she disappears*

Dean: Why did I think that it couldn't get any worse?

**************************************************

Sam: You're sure that Dean is happy in Hell?

Kristy/Ruby: Oh yes, very happy. You know how he fit right in at the prison? Same thing!

Bela: Exactly. But since I have style it just wasn't the place for me.

Sam: Ok. Fine, I'll let him be. But I'm sure gonna miss him!

**************************************************  
*hours later in a hotel room off the beach in Mexico Sam, Bela, and Ruby are having a three-some*

Sam: Wow, you girls are amazing!

Bela: Wait 'til the cast of Gossip Girl Girl's show up! Then it'll be really smokin'.

Kristy/Ruby: Yeah, Sam. Just you wait. Since they are all underage it's even better because it's statutory rape.

Sam: *drunk* Bring it on! *has sloppy smile on face*

**************************************************  
*a dark figure washes up on shore, with chains in it's wrists having found his way to Sam through the magic of Kripke's script and obvious plot holes*

Dean: Must…find…Sammy! He'll…know…what…to…do!

*Dean is drawn somehow to the hotel room Sam is in*

Dean: Sam! What are you doing with those two evil bitches? You're supposed to be saving me and you're hooking up with them? I thought better of you, brother!

Sam: Dean? I thought you were enjoying it in Hell. That's what Kirby, I mean, Ruisty, I mean Kristy slash Ruby, said.

Dean: You believed her? Sam, demons LIE!

Sam: And why should I believe you? You've been in Hell for four months.

Dean: I haven't got a memory of it. Except that these chains here *shakes wrists with chains and hooks still in them* those chains in Hell were to protect Hell from me! Because Dean scares the hell outta Hell!

Sam: You're talking in the third person?

Dean: It's more effective that way. Anyway. You must redeem yourself, Sammy.

Sam: Fine. Girls, you are now to join the cast of Gossip Girl. Have fun.

*Kristy/Ruby and Bela have excited looks on their faces*

Bela: Perfect, I think that it'll be much better there. Just think! Designer labels and explicit scenes!

Kristy/Ruby: It'll be perfect!

*girls giggle off into the night, leaving little hellhound puppy behind*

Dean: Oh, how cute. A hellhound pup!

*Dean reaches for the puppy and it grabs one of his chains and yanks him back toward Hell*

Dean: Not again!!!! Sam, save me!

Sam: I'll think of something Dean. I promise.

*Dean disappears*

Sam: Come on Sam, think! What can I do? Well, I know that Dean wouldn't like it…but he'd fix it in the end. But I don't have my Latin book with me! Hmmm…_**mumbo, jumbo, stuffpeoplecannotunderstand**_**.**

*crickets chirp*

Sam: Dang, didn't work. _**Oh evil one I call thee to me.**_****

*silence*

Sam: Still nothing. Well, how about: _**I summon you cross roads demon**_**!**

*poof*

CRD: Yeah, yeah, what'd ya want?

Sam: To make a deal to save my brother.

CRD: Fine. *waves hands around*

*poof Sam's dead*

Dean: Sammy you did it! I'm alive, I can tell. I'm a real boy again!

*looks down*

Dean: Nooooooooooooooooo Sammy! *turns to cross roads demon* I wanna make a deal.

CRD: Huh? What do I look like, Howie Mandel?

Dean: You heard me!

CRD: OK, fine.

*poof! Dean's dead*

Sam: I knew I shoulda made a clause not to have him trade! So, let's try this again.

CRD: You've GOT to be kidding me?

*100 trades later with the cross road demon finds both Sam and Dean sitting on lawn chairs roasting marshmallows over a fire*

Dean: This is the life Sammy.

Sam: We sure showed that demon.

Dean: Yep.

CRD: *standing behind Sam and Dean shaking her head* Yep, two morons in Hell for the price of one....


End file.
